dear yifu, since you left, there are no relatives left for me in this large capital city. there's only a piece of armor accompanies me, that i can talk to for comfort.
i've got nothing beside me, just a piece of your shoulder armor.
the plum blossoms in the manor are about to wilt. i hope that you saw the flowers before you left; otherwise, its heart will be in vain for another year. even if it blooms every year past, none will ever be the same as this one.
the affairs of the military in the northwest are plenty. i shouldn't write to disturb you often, should i? you must be very busy. maybe you don't miss me... but i'm different.
the capital is so lonely. i have no one to miss, except you, yifu."
the wind slasher drops out of your other, trembling hand in a loud, obnoxious clatter that rattles your ears. you remember the way you felt when the emperor died - when he left you behind, the last living piece of your family, gone. but
that wasn't the case, was it? this little boy who's life you saved, you - you are all he has left.
the clatter brings your men dashing into your tent with a clamor, terrified that you've died, but you feel more alive than you have in a week.
that night, when shen yi brings your noodles, you slurp down every bite, pained or not. you don't care, that you can smell your own blood. you eat, and you guzzle water, and you sink your claws into life, and you drag yourself back up to existence. it takes three days to get up and walk. you're back into your armor after five. two weeks, halfway to the northwestern border, you are yourself again. the fever that should have killed you fails to finish the job.
you fold the letter and keep it in your breast pocket.
you will not leave chang geng alone.
you will not die here. you refuse. not here. not now.
it resonates in a way that mineo can't quite bring words to at the moment, his heart aching at the memory. he's a bleeding heart, at the end of the day, no matter how he attempts to put people at a distance. he is friendly, and he gives without concern for himself, but he is always wary of an attack in return. he is always sure that someone will one day turn a blade on him.
but it doesn't matter in the face of something like this. in the face of such bold-faced humanity, he cannot and will not ever be able to remain steadfast or steely.]
.... I have a little sister. She's eleven years younger than me, so sometimes I feel like I actually raised her too. Since she was a baby. But I haven't gotten to see her in a while, even before I came here - I would send her pictures of me all the time just to make sure that she didn't forget my face. I was seriously worried.
[ . . . he knocks his knuckles against gu yun's shoulder. a light tap.]
When things get tough here, I remember I gotta get home. And I gotta see her again.
[a beat and then - ]
You want me to forget it?
[he will offer, in exchange for what gu yun agreed for him - but... he can't just forget without offering some words of his own.]
[ eleven years is a larger age gap than what's between him and chang geng - only seven. it's funny, sometimes, because he doesn't feel like a father. gu yun barely even knows what a father is, and how a father should act - only how one shouldn't. his relationship with his ward is complicated laughs weakly but... he means the world to gu yun, even now. even if he's bad at saying it. even if he disappears for months at a time, because his country needs him, he's been trying to do his best for him, by him, because he loves him dearly, and gu yun knows what it means to be left behind.
mineo's right. he does have to get home. for a moment, he idly wonders how chang geng would react, if he suddenly sent him an image of his face. he'd probably tear it into pieces, or shove it under his bed in embarrassment, both of which are kind of funny? something to consider doing when he goes back. even that just leaves him thinking a bit fondly, and the gentle tap of knuckles brings him back out of the soft fog of the memory itself. ]
That was my wish, wasn't it? [ from their first conversation. something that matters to him. gu yun's mouth is pulled up in a smile, but it lacks that confident, shitty air it usually has, for the topic at hand. it's a little wry. yifu, you're all that i have left. ] We'd been separated for some time; I was at the border for a year, so it took months after that letter for me to see him again. In fact, we'd only just reunited mere days before I arrived here, and I'm sure he's quite cross with me that I've gone and vanished once more. I'll hear an earful when I return, and I will do everything in my power to hear it.
[ which means he absolutely, positively, cannot die here. he will not die here.
some of gu yun's normal confidence returns, after that, but there's a genuine warmth to it, to the usual determination, to that usual easy twinkle to his eye. ] No - you don't have to forget. Though, if he happens to show up here out of the blue, I'd ask that you didn't tell him his yifu's so sentimental too easily.
[ this is a weakness, in its own right, but sickness is one that he overcame. there's only one secret gu yun has that he keeps unbelievably close to his chest - otherwise, there's no shame, as these memories bear his past for the world to see. he's got nothing here to hide. (except maybe the fact that he's got a secret soft heart under there but shhh.) ]
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idk ill find something
no subject
the wind slasher drops out of your other, trembling hand in a loud, obnoxious clatter that rattles your ears. you remember the way you felt when the emperor died - when he left you behind, the last living piece of your family, gone. but
that wasn't the case, was it? this little boy who's life you saved, you - you are all he has left.
the clatter brings your men dashing into your tent with a clamor, terrified that you've died, but you feel more alive than you have in a week.
that night, when shen yi brings your noodles, you slurp down every bite, pained or not. you don't care, that you can smell your own blood. you eat, and you guzzle water, and you sink your claws into life, and you drag yourself back up to existence. it takes three days to get up and walk. you're back into your armor after five. two weeks, halfway to the northwestern border, you are yourself again. the fever that should have killed you fails to finish the job.
you fold the letter and keep it in your breast pocket.
you will not leave chang geng alone.
you will not die here. you refuse. not here. not now.
you have a home to get back to. ]
no subject
it resonates in a way that mineo can't quite bring words to at the moment, his heart aching at the memory. he's a bleeding heart, at the end of the day, no matter how he attempts to put people at a distance. he is friendly, and he gives without concern for himself, but he is always wary of an attack in return. he is always sure that someone will one day turn a blade on him.
but it doesn't matter in the face of something like this. in the face of such bold-faced humanity, he cannot and will not ever be able to remain steadfast or steely.]
.... I have a little sister. She's eleven years younger than me, so sometimes I feel like I actually raised her too. Since she was a baby. But I haven't gotten to see her in a while, even before I came here - I would send her pictures of me all the time just to make sure that she didn't forget my face. I was seriously worried.
[ . . . he knocks his knuckles against gu yun's shoulder. a light tap.]
When things get tough here, I remember I gotta get home. And I gotta see her again.
[a beat and then - ]
You want me to forget it?
[he will offer, in exchange for what gu yun agreed for him - but... he can't just forget without offering some words of his own.]
no subject
laughs weaklybut... he means the world to gu yun, even now. even if he's bad at saying it. even if he disappears for months at a time, because his country needs him, he's been trying to do his best for him, by him, because he loves him dearly, and gu yun knows what it means to be left behind.mineo's right. he does have to get home. for a moment, he idly wonders how chang geng would react, if he suddenly sent him an image of his face. he'd probably tear it into pieces, or shove it under his bed in embarrassment, both of which are kind of funny? something to consider doing when he goes back. even that just leaves him thinking a bit fondly, and the gentle tap of knuckles brings him back out of the soft fog of the memory itself. ]
That was my wish, wasn't it? [ from their first conversation. something that matters to him. gu yun's mouth is pulled up in a smile, but it lacks that confident, shitty air it usually has, for the topic at hand. it's a little wry. yifu, you're all that i have left. ] We'd been separated for some time; I was at the border for a year, so it took months after that letter for me to see him again. In fact, we'd only just reunited mere days before I arrived here, and I'm sure he's quite cross with me that I've gone and vanished once more. I'll hear an earful when I return, and I will do everything in my power to hear it.
[ which means he absolutely, positively, cannot die here. he will not die here.
some of gu yun's normal confidence returns, after that, but there's a genuine warmth to it, to the usual determination, to that usual easy twinkle to his eye. ] No - you don't have to forget. Though, if he happens to show up here out of the blue, I'd ask that you didn't tell him his yifu's so sentimental too easily.
[ this is a weakness, in its own right, but sickness is one that he overcame. there's only one secret gu yun has that he keeps unbelievably close to his chest - otherwise, there's no shame, as these memories bear his past for the world to see. he's got nothing here to hide. (except maybe the fact that he's got a secret soft heart under there but shhh.) ]