yeah. that resonates. gu yun's eyes stay on the pod the entire time she's talking, his shoulders tense, mouth set. he couldn't really talk, either - he'd swatted at yuri the instant he started to think that gu yun might have been affected. it was a tense, highly emotional situation, and he'd kept his level head, but, gu yun is used to being the one injured, not the one picking up the pieces after someone else's injury. there hasn't been anyone he's cared about that much in his life, in a long time.
it's... ]
...It is a little unreasonable, isn't it? [ how molly just is that way. gu yun has let him closer than arguably anyone he's ever met, except maybe shen yi, and he's known shen yi since he was twelve. gu yun has known molly for a month. ]
He knows. [ about my senses, he doesn't say. he doesn't really have to. ] He saw the memory. And I just - I didn't play it off, or pretend it was a childhood affliction, or something. I just told him the truth.
...If he was a terrible person, we'd all be fucked, wouldn't we? [ gu yun huffs a laugh, humorless, quiet. obviously, he doesn't think that's the case - he wouldn't be here, otherwise. what harrow says is exactly right. molly is so, so special, and in ways that are hard to really quantify, ways that are so much more than a guy with the same sense of humor as me. ]
I get it. [ because he felt the same, exact way. ]
He has that effect, yes. I would have spilled the darkest secrets of my House to him, betrayed each terrible, ugly mystery I have sworn never to speak of, had he asked. But he didn't, because he really didn't care to know.
[She laughs a little, too. Her laughs are almost always humorless, but this is a little more warm than usual.]
We would be very fucked. We may already be. It is a dangerous thing, in a place like this, to care for someone. I have been thinking this so often, these days.
Mn. [ the noise is agreeing, both for the kind of person that molly is - someone who wouldn't ask, but someone who just understands, and for the part about being fucked over. ]
That's always dangerous. [ kind of an edgy thing to say, maybe, but a true one. it's a part of his life as much as anything else, in the ways that growing up on a battlefield makes it so, but in the ways that his life has been curse-touched since the day he was born. he's never spent much time on making important connections, because his life has always been a known thing (he'd live, he'd work, he'd fight for great liang, he'd die early and bright on a battlefield), and his duty has always come before connection.
but here, taken out of the context of his life, it's so easy to care, in ways that make loss hit close to home. ]
Someone asked me, a little while ago, how I viewed this place, and the things we do in it. They mentioned how it was strange, that we all seemed to find ways to connect each other, and how easily people were affect by loss - then amended, and added that the circumstances were dire, and perhaps that was why. But I think that the time we've all spent together plays a factor in it, too - that inevitably, it is harder to disconnect the people here from "indulging" than it would initially seem.
I suppose it takes a special kind of person, to accept an offer such as the one we were given. Most of us seem like assholes. [ ha. ] And are, really. Whether that's a good thing, or a bad thing, I don't know.
But... I think in some, it is better than others. [ his gaze falls back on the pod, again. ] And then it's hard not to care.
There has. . . never really been anyone else. My parents, my poor old marshal, my great-aunts, Ortus in his own way - they all meant something to me, but only a poor facsimile of - well.
[Caring for someone. Being cared for. This isn't exactly right, there's an example to the contrary that feels as though it's on the tip of her tongue, but she can't think to name it.]
I don't hate that I've started to change. I only hate the things I know I am unable to do to defend it.
[Scowling at him for the joke, but her heart isn't in it.]
. . . I'd rather not say. I spent overly long fretting about something that was never practical to begin with. I feel that I have been nothing but fears lately, reacting like some frightened child instead of approaching my problems from a position of strength, as I know I am capable of doing.
[She takes a deep breath, and then he'll get a small smile.]
Thank you, for attempting to understand despite my regrettable methods of displaying sentiment.
Last week, at curfew, I was quite - I was quite distraught. Someone I knew had been injured, and I feared I didn't know how one even ought to behave in that situation, so all I could do was behave monstrously. Stomp my foot and yell and behave like a child who has been refused a sweet.
Molly said something along the lines of - oh, it was a terrible mixed metaphor and I hated it, really - it all being a performance. Being good, being bad, being a person at all, all of it only a juggling act one must consciously put on until one has mastered it. But I think the far less tortured metaphor is one of training. That even knowing how to feel any sentiment and express it is one of practice, and study, and muscle memory.
If you and I happen to both be remedial students, perhaps we can share study notes from time to time.
[ 'regrettable methods of displaying sentiment' gets the corner of his mouth to twitch, like he's trying to hide a smile. harrow's right, because his methods are also pretty horrible; there's no response further than that, though, as some of the amusement fades out of his eyes.
...it's funny. gu yun's not really used to having people worry over him. he's never really given anyone a reason to - even when he was at his worst, most brutally injured, he'd strap himself into his iron armor and wear it like a cast, so he could continue to lead his armies. being the marquis of order is a title that comes with a mythical amount of reverence; his own name is something that his nation relies on. for an instant, gu yun has never shown weakness, except maybe to shen yi, and even then. so, harrow's simple remark (in her own, harrow way) of i was quite distraught quiets him. ]
...Between the three of us, we've made quite a mess, the past few weeks. [ he was worried too, even if he didn't show it, when harrow was injured. as they've gotten closer, it almost feels like a small mercy, for it to have happened so quickly - not that gu yun wasn't already irreparably fond of harrow, before.
the thought of losing either of them sticks, for a moment, in something fierce and unfamiliar in his chest, as harrow's finishing. he doesn't say anything to it, though, just finally turns his gaze away from the healing pod to look at harrow, instead. ]
I'd like that. [ gu yun says, eventually, and - he ends up smiling a little, too. not shitty and goofy, not trying to harass or tease. just a bit of genuine sentiment. ] The best... [ 'alliances'? no, that isn't right. ] ...The best friendships do seem to come about in those ways.
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no subject
yeah. that resonates. gu yun's eyes stay on the pod the entire time she's talking, his shoulders tense, mouth set. he couldn't really talk, either - he'd swatted at yuri the instant he started to think that gu yun might have been affected. it was a tense, highly emotional situation, and he'd kept his level head, but, gu yun is used to being the one injured, not the one picking up the pieces after someone else's injury. there hasn't been anyone he's cared about that much in his life, in a long time.
it's... ]
...It is a little unreasonable, isn't it? [ how molly just is that way. gu yun has let him closer than arguably anyone he's ever met, except maybe shen yi, and he's known shen yi since he was twelve. gu yun has known molly for a month. ]
He knows. [ about my senses, he doesn't say. he doesn't really have to. ] He saw the memory. And I just - I didn't play it off, or pretend it was a childhood affliction, or something. I just told him the truth.
...If he was a terrible person, we'd all be fucked, wouldn't we? [ gu yun huffs a laugh, humorless, quiet. obviously, he doesn't think that's the case - he wouldn't be here, otherwise. what harrow says is exactly right. molly is so, so special, and in ways that are hard to really quantify, ways that are so much more than a guy with the same sense of humor as me. ]
I get it. [ because he felt the same, exact way. ]
no subject
[She laughs a little, too. Her laughs are almost always humorless, but this is a little more warm than usual.]
We would be very fucked. We may already be. It is a dangerous thing, in a place like this, to care for someone. I have been thinking this so often, these days.
no subject
That's always dangerous. [ kind of an edgy thing to say, maybe, but a true one. it's a part of his life as much as anything else, in the ways that growing up on a battlefield makes it so, but in the ways that his life has been curse-touched since the day he was born. he's never spent much time on making important connections, because his life has always been a known thing (he'd live, he'd work, he'd fight for great liang, he'd die early and bright on a battlefield), and his duty has always come before connection.
but here, taken out of the context of his life, it's so easy to care, in ways that make loss hit close to home. ]
Someone asked me, a little while ago, how I viewed this place, and the things we do in it. They mentioned how it was strange, that we all seemed to find ways to connect each other, and how easily people were affect by loss - then amended, and added that the circumstances were dire, and perhaps that was why. But I think that the time we've all spent together plays a factor in it, too - that inevitably, it is harder to disconnect the people here from "indulging" than it would initially seem.
I suppose it takes a special kind of person, to accept an offer such as the one we were given. Most of us seem like assholes. [ ha. ] And are, really. Whether that's a good thing, or a bad thing, I don't know.
But... I think in some, it is better than others. [ his gaze falls back on the pod, again. ] And then it's hard not to care.
no subject
[Caring for someone. Being cared for. This isn't exactly right, there's an example to the contrary that feels as though it's on the tip of her tongue, but she can't think to name it.]
I don't hate that I've started to change. I only hate the things I know I am unable to do to defend it.
I have been. . . so stupid, in so many ways.
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but. haha. he gets it! he's just not about to say it out loud. ]
I have been, too. What makes you say that?
no subject
. . . I'd rather not say. I spent overly long fretting about something that was never practical to begin with. I feel that I have been nothing but fears lately, reacting like some frightened child instead of approaching my problems from a position of strength, as I know I am capable of doing.
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Well, then. Have you formulated a plan of attack to deal with it, now? [ it's what he would do, too. ] Realizing it's the first step.
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[ at least, that's the kind of person gu yun is. he thinks harrow's cut from the same cloth. ] You'll figure it out. Of that I have no doubts.
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[She takes a deep breath, and then he'll get a small smile.]
Thank you, for attempting to understand despite my regrettable methods of displaying sentiment.
Last week, at curfew, I was quite - I was quite distraught. Someone I knew had been injured, and I feared I didn't know how one even ought to behave in that situation, so all I could do was behave monstrously. Stomp my foot and yell and behave like a child who has been refused a sweet.
Molly said something along the lines of - oh, it was a terrible mixed metaphor and I hated it, really - it all being a performance. Being good, being bad, being a person at all, all of it only a juggling act one must consciously put on until one has mastered it. But I think the far less tortured metaphor is one of training. That even knowing how to feel any sentiment and express it is one of practice, and study, and muscle memory.
If you and I happen to both be remedial students, perhaps we can share study notes from time to time.
no subject
...it's funny. gu yun's not really used to having people worry over him. he's never really given anyone a reason to - even when he was at his worst, most brutally injured, he'd strap himself into his iron armor and wear it like a cast, so he could continue to lead his armies. being the marquis of order is a title that comes with a mythical amount of reverence; his own name is something that his nation relies on. for an instant, gu yun has never shown weakness, except maybe to shen yi, and even then. so, harrow's simple remark (in her own, harrow way) of i was quite distraught quiets him. ]
...Between the three of us, we've made quite a mess, the past few weeks. [ he was worried too, even if he didn't show it, when harrow was injured. as they've gotten closer, it almost feels like a small mercy, for it to have happened so quickly - not that gu yun wasn't already irreparably fond of harrow, before.
the thought of losing either of them sticks, for a moment, in something fierce and unfamiliar in his chest, as harrow's finishing. he doesn't say anything to it, though, just finally turns his gaze away from the healing pod to look at harrow, instead. ]
I'd like that. [ gu yun says, eventually, and - he ends up smiling a little, too. not shitty and goofy, not trying to harass or tease. just a bit of genuine sentiment. ] The best... [ 'alliances'? no, that isn't right. ] ...The best friendships do seem to come about in those ways.