[ let's go with way later in the evening. after learning that his alcohol tolerance has in fact been affected by whatever is going on, gu yun disappeared in the afternoon to take a nap and try to get back to functioning properly.
by dinnertime, he's doing better, and if harrow's wandering, or even looking for him, she'll find gu yun in the tea room, pouring himself a cup of something gentle and fragrant. without any armor, dressed in his robes, and looking a little more tired than he did earlier in the day at full chaos gremlin dad mode, gu yun looks every bit the young master that belongs in this room.
when he spots harrow, he looks up, and offers her a little smile and a nod of his head, more demure than usual. ]
[ he'll fetch a second cup while she's doing so, moving easily through the motions. ]
To tell you the truth, I've got a sensitive palate, too. [ there's a little hint of amusement to his voice - the usual, good nature that seems to ensconce his personality, day to day. it's softer in private, though. ] It makes me a bit picky, with most things, if given the choice.
[ he just wasn't given the choice so often. ] You get used to it, though, if you want to.
Yes. We. . . eat simpler meals, on the Ninth. When I left, I found I often couldn't stand what my acquaintances from other Houses preferred to eat.
[She picks something that seems tolerable, and waits for him to finish preparing, looking like she's thinking something over.]
I've been advised to. . . speak more plainly about certain things. And yet, it is unnatural for me. It's hard to understand how details of one's life can be shared easily at a party, over drink.
[ aw, harrow. gu yun quips, a wry smile on his face; ] The drink usually helps.
[ it certainly helped him, earlier! he hasn't had this bad of a hangover in years. what a cruel way for this place to take his skills. ]
I suppose this place is about finding, and experiencing, things that are unnatural to you, but, no one says you have to leap into an ice cold lake feet first. Why not start small?
We're in no party now, and I'm fairly good at listening.
[Well. Starting small is easier said than done. Sometimes it feels as though if she begins to speak, she won't be able to stop. But there's the obvious thing.]
. . . If we hadn't been at a party, I would have corrected my lie of omission. In our prior talks I led you to believe my parents are alive, but they died when I was ten years of age.
You admitted it so easily - though surely it isn't something you care to speak of. It startled me. A petty thing to lie about, but the decline of my House - the fact that I am the last of my lineage - was a secret I feared rival Houses coming to learn. So I have long maintained the impression that my parents live.
he. smiles a little, though it's not so goodnatured and light as usual. ]
I'm the last of my lineage, too. [ though, gu yun has every intention to see the gu line end with him. chang geng is his son, but his blood isn't that of the line of the marquis of order. ]
... To keep other Houses from seeing potential weaknesses. It's not petty - had you been in a world that wasn't full of strangers, it sounds like one that was necessary. How were you able to maintain it?
[He can guess, huh! Yeah, good guess. She doesn't seem like the question makes her uncomfortable, just very serious.]
As a child, I studied only bone necromancy - maintaining and altering the skeleton. Flesh didn't come so easily. It isn't more complex, whatever flesh necromancers will tell you, but the logic of it came less automatically. The theorems are messier. There are other components - not merely manipulating the flesh and its many components, but preserving it, preventing decay, maintaining the appearance of life.
[ there is some little part of his soul that withers away at all of this necromancy and magic talk. the donkeys at hu guo temple would be swooning.
...
but, boiling it down to the science of it all makes it easier to separate. (again - the first person he hit it off with here was purple. it's fine.) he listens, and ultimately, the last sentence hits home. ]
To learn young - no wonder you surpassed so many. [ gu yun takes a sip from his tea. ] Have you had any dangers of people uncovering it, since?
[She has to insist on that, too. But - his question is difficult.]
No, never. Not once was I in danger of discovery. [Which she should feel proud of. And yet, it's a little difficult to be happy that you successfully managed to convince everyone that your parents were alive and you weren't raising yourself. There's some childish part of her that had hoped for discovery.]
[ so was i, he doesn't say. and if i didn't, there would have been consequences.
everything harrow says hits the mark, in some small, bitter part of him that he packs away. to have big footsteps to fill meant you had to be fine. it meant you had to be good. it meant you had to live up to every expectation of your name and your legacy, self inflicted or otherwise. sometimes, a name is a responsibility in its own right.
when the emperor died, gu yun had felt it, in ways that he'd not let himself feel anything, in a long, long time. when you go, this zixi will have no family left.
gu yun's mouth lifts in a smile. it's not really a happy one, but it's not aimed at her. ] Impressive.
[ but the way that he says it implies so much more than just a flat compliment. it's that feeling - wouldn't it have been nice, just once, for someone to notice? wouldn't it have been nice, to have been a child? does he regret it, at all?
ultimately, gu yun doesn't. he speaks from a place of honesty. ] To do the things that must be done - to maintain and protect, no matter the cost - speaks much of your character.
[ even if she insists on natural talent. gu yun knows what that's like, too.
there is a long pause, like he's deciding what to say. eventually (and really congratulations on being the first person to unlock a single piece of actually relevant gu yun lore), he looks back into the surface of the tea in his cup. ]
...It is easy for me to talk about the death of my parents, because my relationship with my father was not kind. [ a fact for a fact. she mentioned it surprised her, and he had skipped over the explanation, before. it's delivered clinically, no inflection of feeling either way to his words. ] His legacy to Great Liang has long outlived him. After all, my title - it was his, before it was mine.
[ gu yun has clawed his way into his reputation. he has earned back the splendor of the marquis of order, through his clever wits and his fighting skills, through every scrap of his ability. but the spectre of the old marquis - his decisions, his choices, his responsibilities, for nation, and for his son - that's something that doesn't die so easily.
There is much weight to a legacy, to a line. To the sacrifices made to bring those hopes to fruition.
[She speaks that automatically, lost in thought. His praise of her, her character, seems to derail her momentarily. Was it her character? Was it something praise worthy? It never struck her as a decision, let alone a choice. She was born to be who she is. She had to be. Anything less than that would have been a greater travesty than what had already predated her.
But his honest assessment about his father threatens something worse; she feels something hot and painful behind her eyes. She has many thoughts that shouldn't be touched upon, most very literally, with real physiological consequences. But the more dangerous type is this - the line of thinking that opens metaphorical wounds. She's not going to start weeping over tea with a near stranger just because he mentioned her father. She's simply not going to do that.]
I wonder if a kind relationship can exist, bearing such a weight. I have a few memories of my father that are sweet, but I cannot say he was a good man. I cannot say I was ever a daughter to him, rather than a legacy, and one dearly paid for.
[What a stupid child she feels she is, all of a sudden, to have so confidently supposed Gu Yun's father was proud of his accomplishments. As though that was anything more than wishful thinking.]
[ jesus way to stab him right in the gut with that one
if gu yun knew harrow's thought process, there, on duty versus strength of character, he'd agree. there was never any alternative. ]
Sometimes, who you are determines who you can't be, as much as who you can. [ it's not the first time he's said that - he'd told chang geng something similar, what felt like years ago. maybe he just means some sort of fanciful dreams of running off to open a makeup store by the coast, but gu yun never, ever once even entertained that idea, even if he'd joked about it. it's more than that, though.
rather, for gu yun, it's the simple fact that he can't be anything less than what he is. than what he has earned. he cannot be anything less than the marquis of order, for even a moment. symbol of the strength of the nation, commander of the black iron camp, the iron backbone to the last line of defense of his home. and, no matter what happens, he has to carry that legacy on. before he is "zixi", he is gu yun, a name that strikes fear into the hearts of the dragons of the west and the tigers of the north. ghosts don't have to be real in his realm, for the old marquis to haunt his every single step, his every single accomplishment.
his mouth tightens behind his cup, a gesture only a second long - for him, the closest thing you could see to a flinch - and gu yun's eyes darken. ]
What a terrible thing to have in common.
[ it's the second time he's said so, in this conversation, and this time, it stings of something much deeper. ]
[She laughs a little, because yes - that hits home. She never could be anything but the Harrowhark Nonagesimus she became - cold, rigid, obsessed with duty, unable to tolerate even a passing kindness without fearing her barriers will come tumbling down. The Harrowhark who knew how to preserve her parents' flesh and manipulate their bodies at the age of ten, but wouldn't know how to ask for help or how to make a friend.
It was never the ghost of her father and mother who haunted her. Her life is meant for cold duty, day in and day out, until her body is interred in two hundred graves, and maybe that will be enough to satisfy the ghosts she's carrying.
Even now, she's asked to indulge in despair, because what other indulgence could she possibly deserve?
She doesn't particularly notice the flinch, as she's too busy blinking away these morbid thoughts.]
Dreadful. But I. . . thank you for the conversation, all the same.
[Maybe it's true, that there's more than pain to glean from all of this. There's something besides pain, in experiencing a shared pain.]
[ his voice softens, just for a moment. ] ...Of course.
[ part of him feels like - like going to run a marathon, or something, or jumping around like a crazy person, or doing just about anything to get the prickling feeling down his spine to go away. talking about his life like that makes gu yun intensely uncomfortable, because his own emotions tend to make him feel uncomfortable. (because the marquis of order doesn't get to have those - the marquis of order doesn't get to have a single weakness. there's no time for self when your entire being must be focused on nation.)
instead of doing any of that, gu yun takes a long sip of his tea, and then sets his cup down. he's no good with quiet, either. especially after that. ]
Well! If a conversation like this doesn't count for what one would call the most terrible sort of indulgence, I'll eat this teacup whole, porcelain and all. [ that's lighter, almost scoffing, more exaggerated as he sets the cup down with a (not very defiant) clink. more of the playful side that comes out as normal - his shield to the unbelievable, uncomfortable and mortifying ordeal of being known.
he gestures with the cup. ] We are bonded for life now, I think, Harrow. Don't tell anyone about my serious side, hm?
[She can see that he's running fastly away from feelings, and it's all right, relieving to her. She's always so afraid of showing weakness and being torn down, betrayed. But this is just. . . what people do, isn't it? They share things, and commiserate, and then continue to go on, existing in the same space.
It's a little nice. She swallows hard, and takes a sip of the tea, pushing away the maudlin thoughts as best she can. She can't put her barriers back up as easily as he can; it's a little impressive. But she'll try to do the same.]
gu yun laughs, though it's softer and less shitty than usual - he was more affected by that than he let on, really, or maybe it just might be that he's grown quite fond of harrow. please do not learn your coping mechanisms from him i'm begging you. ]
How cruel! [ clearly not even remotely offended. ] You know, when you see one from me, then I fully expect to see a lighter one for you. Equivalency, and all of that.
Then, I suppose the reverse wold be true for me, then! [ fufufu. guess he'll be light hearted forever. ] There's got to be something that'll make you crack. Are you ticklish?
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
week 1, monday!
by dinnertime, he's doing better, and if harrow's wandering, or even looking for him, she'll find gu yun in the tea room, pouring himself a cup of something gentle and fragrant. without any armor, dressed in his robes, and looking a little more tired than he did earlier in the day at full chaos gremlin dad mode, gu yun looks every bit the young master that belongs in this room.
when he spots harrow, he looks up, and offers her a little smile and a nod of his head, more demure than usual. ]
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. . . Would it bother you if I joined you?
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[ his hangover. oof.
but, he patpats the table! come on, come in. ] Would you like a cup of tea? I think I recall you mentioned you weren't one for strong flavors.
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[She'll sit, then. And start looking through the tea for something appetizing.]
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To tell you the truth, I've got a sensitive palate, too. [ there's a little hint of amusement to his voice - the usual, good nature that seems to ensconce his personality, day to day. it's softer in private, though. ] It makes me a bit picky, with most things, if given the choice.
[ he just wasn't given the choice so often. ] You get used to it, though, if you want to.
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[She picks something that seems tolerable, and waits for him to finish preparing, looking like she's thinking something over.]
I've been advised to. . . speak more plainly about certain things. And yet, it is unnatural for me. It's hard to understand how details of one's life can be shared easily at a party, over drink.
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[ it certainly helped him, earlier! he hasn't had this bad of a hangover in years. what a cruel way for this place to take his skills. ]
I suppose this place is about finding, and experiencing, things that are unnatural to you, but, no one says you have to leap into an ice cold lake feet first. Why not start small?
We're in no party now, and I'm fairly good at listening.
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. . . If we hadn't been at a party, I would have corrected my lie of omission. In our prior talks I led you to believe my parents are alive, but they died when I was ten years of age.
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whew ]
... A terrible thing to have in common. [ he frowns, glancing down at his cup. ] I'm sorry to hear that, Harrow.
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[She'll swirl her own cup, frowning.]
You admitted it so easily - though surely it isn't something you care to speak of. It startled me. A petty thing to lie about, but the decline of my House - the fact that I am the last of my lineage - was a secret I feared rival Houses coming to learn. So I have long maintained the impression that my parents live.
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he. smiles a little, though it's not so goodnatured and light as usual. ]
I'm the last of my lineage, too. [ though, gu yun has every intention to see the gu line end with him. chang geng is his son, but his blood isn't that of the line of the marquis of order. ]
... To keep other Houses from seeing potential weaknesses. It's not petty - had you been in a world that wasn't full of strangers, it sounds like one that was necessary. How were you able to maintain it?
[ he can hazard a guess, but ]
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As a child, I studied only bone necromancy - maintaining and altering the skeleton. Flesh didn't come so easily. It isn't more complex, whatever flesh necromancers will tell you, but the logic of it came less automatically. The theorems are messier. There are other components - not merely manipulating the flesh and its many components, but preserving it, preventing decay, maintaining the appearance of life.
When they died, I had to learn quickly.
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...
but, boiling it down to the science of it all makes it easier to separate. (again - the first person he hit it off with here was purple. it's fine.) he listens, and ultimately, the last sentence hits home. ]
To learn young - no wonder you surpassed so many. [ gu yun takes a sip from his tea. ] Have you had any dangers of people uncovering it, since?
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[She has to insist on that, too. But - his question is difficult.]
No, never. Not once was I in danger of discovery. [Which she should feel proud of. And yet, it's a little difficult to be happy that you successfully managed to convince everyone that your parents were alive and you weren't raising yourself. There's some childish part of her that had hoped for discovery.]
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everything harrow says hits the mark, in some small, bitter part of him that he packs away. to have big footsteps to fill meant you had to be fine. it meant you had to be good. it meant you had to live up to every expectation of your name and your legacy, self inflicted or otherwise. sometimes, a name is a responsibility in its own right.
when the emperor died, gu yun had felt it, in ways that he'd not let himself feel anything, in a long, long time. when you go, this zixi will have no family left.
gu yun's mouth lifts in a smile. it's not really a happy one, but it's not aimed at her. ] Impressive.
[ but the way that he says it implies so much more than just a flat compliment. it's that feeling - wouldn't it have been nice, just once, for someone to notice? wouldn't it have been nice, to have been a child? does he regret it, at all?
ultimately, gu yun doesn't. he speaks from a place of honesty. ] To do the things that must be done - to maintain and protect, no matter the cost - speaks much of your character.
[ even if she insists on natural talent. gu yun knows what that's like, too.
there is a long pause, like he's deciding what to say. eventually (and really congratulations on being the first person to unlock a single piece of actually relevant gu yun lore), he looks back into the surface of the tea in his cup. ]
...It is easy for me to talk about the death of my parents, because my relationship with my father was not kind. [ a fact for a fact. she mentioned it surprised her, and he had skipped over the explanation, before. it's delivered clinically, no inflection of feeling either way to his words. ] His legacy to Great Liang has long outlived him. After all, my title - it was his, before it was mine.
[ gu yun has clawed his way into his reputation. he has earned back the splendor of the marquis of order, through his clever wits and his fighting skills, through every scrap of his ability. but the spectre of the old marquis - his decisions, his choices, his responsibilities, for nation, and for his son - that's something that doesn't die so easily.
he takes a long sip of his tea. ]
There is much weight to a name, isn't there?
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[She speaks that automatically, lost in thought. His praise of her, her character, seems to derail her momentarily. Was it her character? Was it something praise worthy? It never struck her as a decision, let alone a choice. She was born to be who she is. She had to be. Anything less than that would have been a greater travesty than what had already predated her.
But his honest assessment about his father threatens something worse; she feels something hot and painful behind her eyes. She has many thoughts that shouldn't be touched upon, most very literally, with real physiological consequences. But the more dangerous type is this - the line of thinking that opens metaphorical wounds. She's not going to start weeping over tea with a near stranger just because he mentioned her father. She's simply not going to do that.]
I wonder if a kind relationship can exist, bearing such a weight. I have a few memories of my father that are sweet, but I cannot say he was a good man. I cannot say I was ever a daughter to him, rather than a legacy, and one dearly paid for.
[What a stupid child she feels she is, all of a sudden, to have so confidently supposed Gu Yun's father was proud of his accomplishments. As though that was anything more than wishful thinking.]
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if gu yun knew harrow's thought process, there, on duty versus strength of character, he'd agree. there was never any alternative. ]
Sometimes, who you are determines who you can't be, as much as who you can. [ it's not the first time he's said that - he'd told chang geng something similar, what felt like years ago. maybe he just means some sort of fanciful dreams of running off to open a makeup store by the coast, but gu yun never, ever once even entertained that idea, even if he'd joked about it. it's more than that, though.
rather, for gu yun, it's the simple fact that he can't be anything less than what he is. than what he has earned. he cannot be anything less than the marquis of order, for even a moment. symbol of the strength of the nation, commander of the black iron camp, the iron backbone to the last line of defense of his home. and, no matter what happens, he has to carry that legacy on. before he is "zixi", he is gu yun, a name that strikes fear into the hearts of the dragons of the west and the tigers of the north. ghosts don't have to be real in his realm, for the old marquis to haunt his every single step, his every single accomplishment.
his mouth tightens behind his cup, a gesture only a second long - for him, the closest thing you could see to a flinch - and gu yun's eyes darken. ]
What a terrible thing to have in common.
[ it's the second time he's said so, in this conversation, and this time, it stings of something much deeper. ]
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It was never the ghost of her father and mother who haunted her. Her life is meant for cold duty, day in and day out, until her body is interred in two hundred graves, and maybe that will be enough to satisfy the ghosts she's carrying.
Even now, she's asked to indulge in despair, because what other indulgence could she possibly deserve?
She doesn't particularly notice the flinch, as she's too busy blinking away these morbid thoughts.]
Dreadful. But I. . . thank you for the conversation, all the same.
[Maybe it's true, that there's more than pain to glean from all of this. There's something besides pain, in experiencing a shared pain.]
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[ part of him feels like - like going to run a marathon, or something, or jumping around like a crazy person, or doing just about anything to get the prickling feeling down his spine to go away. talking about his life like that makes gu yun intensely uncomfortable, because his own emotions tend to make him feel uncomfortable. (because the marquis of order doesn't get to have those - the marquis of order doesn't get to have a single weakness. there's no time for self when your entire being must be focused on nation.)
instead of doing any of that, gu yun takes a long sip of his tea, and then sets his cup down. he's no good with quiet, either. especially after that. ]
Well! If a conversation like this doesn't count for what one would call the most terrible sort of indulgence, I'll eat this teacup whole, porcelain and all. [ that's lighter, almost scoffing, more exaggerated as he sets the cup down with a (not very defiant) clink. more of the playful side that comes out as normal - his shield to the unbelievable, uncomfortable and mortifying ordeal of being known.
he gestures with the cup. ] We are bonded for life now, I think, Harrow. Don't tell anyone about my serious side, hm?
[ okay, that's definitely teasing. runs fastly away from feelings ]
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It's a little nice. She swallows hard, and takes a sip of the tea, pushing away the maudlin thoughts as best she can. She can't put her barriers back up as easily as he can; it's a little impressive. But she'll try to do the same.]
If I ever see one, I'll have to decide then.
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gu yun laughs, though it's softer and less shitty than usual - he was more affected by that than he let on, really, or maybe it just might be that he's grown quite fond of harrow. please do not learn your coping mechanisms from him i'm begging you. ]
How cruel! [ clearly not even remotely offended. ] You know, when you see one from me, then I fully expect to see a lighter one for you. Equivalency, and all of that.
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[His coping mechanisms may not be great, but they're probably better than [redacted]?]
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Then, I suppose the reverse wold be true for me, then! [ fufufu. guess he'll be light hearted forever. ] There's got to be something that'll make you crack. Are you ticklish?
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Enjoy good jokes? Cute animals?