[ jesus way to stab him right in the gut with that one
if gu yun knew harrow's thought process, there, on duty versus strength of character, he'd agree. there was never any alternative. ]
Sometimes, who you are determines who you can't be, as much as who you can. [ it's not the first time he's said that - he'd told chang geng something similar, what felt like years ago. maybe he just means some sort of fanciful dreams of running off to open a makeup store by the coast, but gu yun never, ever once even entertained that idea, even if he'd joked about it. it's more than that, though.
rather, for gu yun, it's the simple fact that he can't be anything less than what he is. than what he has earned. he cannot be anything less than the marquis of order, for even a moment. symbol of the strength of the nation, commander of the black iron camp, the iron backbone to the last line of defense of his home. and, no matter what happens, he has to carry that legacy on. before he is "zixi", he is gu yun, a name that strikes fear into the hearts of the dragons of the west and the tigers of the north. ghosts don't have to be real in his realm, for the old marquis to haunt his every single step, his every single accomplishment.
his mouth tightens behind his cup, a gesture only a second long - for him, the closest thing you could see to a flinch - and gu yun's eyes darken. ]
What a terrible thing to have in common.
[ it's the second time he's said so, in this conversation, and this time, it stings of something much deeper. ]
[She laughs a little, because yes - that hits home. She never could be anything but the Harrowhark Nonagesimus she became - cold, rigid, obsessed with duty, unable to tolerate even a passing kindness without fearing her barriers will come tumbling down. The Harrowhark who knew how to preserve her parents' flesh and manipulate their bodies at the age of ten, but wouldn't know how to ask for help or how to make a friend.
It was never the ghost of her father and mother who haunted her. Her life is meant for cold duty, day in and day out, until her body is interred in two hundred graves, and maybe that will be enough to satisfy the ghosts she's carrying.
Even now, she's asked to indulge in despair, because what other indulgence could she possibly deserve?
She doesn't particularly notice the flinch, as she's too busy blinking away these morbid thoughts.]
Dreadful. But I. . . thank you for the conversation, all the same.
[Maybe it's true, that there's more than pain to glean from all of this. There's something besides pain, in experiencing a shared pain.]
[ his voice softens, just for a moment. ] ...Of course.
[ part of him feels like - like going to run a marathon, or something, or jumping around like a crazy person, or doing just about anything to get the prickling feeling down his spine to go away. talking about his life like that makes gu yun intensely uncomfortable, because his own emotions tend to make him feel uncomfortable. (because the marquis of order doesn't get to have those - the marquis of order doesn't get to have a single weakness. there's no time for self when your entire being must be focused on nation.)
instead of doing any of that, gu yun takes a long sip of his tea, and then sets his cup down. he's no good with quiet, either. especially after that. ]
Well! If a conversation like this doesn't count for what one would call the most terrible sort of indulgence, I'll eat this teacup whole, porcelain and all. [ that's lighter, almost scoffing, more exaggerated as he sets the cup down with a (not very defiant) clink. more of the playful side that comes out as normal - his shield to the unbelievable, uncomfortable and mortifying ordeal of being known.
he gestures with the cup. ] We are bonded for life now, I think, Harrow. Don't tell anyone about my serious side, hm?
[She can see that he's running fastly away from feelings, and it's all right, relieving to her. She's always so afraid of showing weakness and being torn down, betrayed. But this is just. . . what people do, isn't it? They share things, and commiserate, and then continue to go on, existing in the same space.
It's a little nice. She swallows hard, and takes a sip of the tea, pushing away the maudlin thoughts as best she can. She can't put her barriers back up as easily as he can; it's a little impressive. But she'll try to do the same.]
gu yun laughs, though it's softer and less shitty than usual - he was more affected by that than he let on, really, or maybe it just might be that he's grown quite fond of harrow. please do not learn your coping mechanisms from him i'm begging you. ]
How cruel! [ clearly not even remotely offended. ] You know, when you see one from me, then I fully expect to see a lighter one for you. Equivalency, and all of that.
Then, I suppose the reverse wold be true for me, then! [ fufufu. guess he'll be light hearted forever. ] There's got to be something that'll make you crack. Are you ticklish?
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
if gu yun knew harrow's thought process, there, on duty versus strength of character, he'd agree. there was never any alternative. ]
Sometimes, who you are determines who you can't be, as much as who you can. [ it's not the first time he's said that - he'd told chang geng something similar, what felt like years ago. maybe he just means some sort of fanciful dreams of running off to open a makeup store by the coast, but gu yun never, ever once even entertained that idea, even if he'd joked about it. it's more than that, though.
rather, for gu yun, it's the simple fact that he can't be anything less than what he is. than what he has earned. he cannot be anything less than the marquis of order, for even a moment. symbol of the strength of the nation, commander of the black iron camp, the iron backbone to the last line of defense of his home. and, no matter what happens, he has to carry that legacy on. before he is "zixi", he is gu yun, a name that strikes fear into the hearts of the dragons of the west and the tigers of the north. ghosts don't have to be real in his realm, for the old marquis to haunt his every single step, his every single accomplishment.
his mouth tightens behind his cup, a gesture only a second long - for him, the closest thing you could see to a flinch - and gu yun's eyes darken. ]
What a terrible thing to have in common.
[ it's the second time he's said so, in this conversation, and this time, it stings of something much deeper. ]
no subject
It was never the ghost of her father and mother who haunted her. Her life is meant for cold duty, day in and day out, until her body is interred in two hundred graves, and maybe that will be enough to satisfy the ghosts she's carrying.
Even now, she's asked to indulge in despair, because what other indulgence could she possibly deserve?
She doesn't particularly notice the flinch, as she's too busy blinking away these morbid thoughts.]
Dreadful. But I. . . thank you for the conversation, all the same.
[Maybe it's true, that there's more than pain to glean from all of this. There's something besides pain, in experiencing a shared pain.]
no subject
[ part of him feels like - like going to run a marathon, or something, or jumping around like a crazy person, or doing just about anything to get the prickling feeling down his spine to go away. talking about his life like that makes gu yun intensely uncomfortable, because his own emotions tend to make him feel uncomfortable. (because the marquis of order doesn't get to have those - the marquis of order doesn't get to have a single weakness. there's no time for self when your entire being must be focused on nation.)
instead of doing any of that, gu yun takes a long sip of his tea, and then sets his cup down. he's no good with quiet, either. especially after that. ]
Well! If a conversation like this doesn't count for what one would call the most terrible sort of indulgence, I'll eat this teacup whole, porcelain and all. [ that's lighter, almost scoffing, more exaggerated as he sets the cup down with a (not very defiant) clink. more of the playful side that comes out as normal - his shield to the unbelievable, uncomfortable and mortifying ordeal of being known.
he gestures with the cup. ] We are bonded for life now, I think, Harrow. Don't tell anyone about my serious side, hm?
[ okay, that's definitely teasing. runs fastly away from feelings ]
no subject
It's a little nice. She swallows hard, and takes a sip of the tea, pushing away the maudlin thoughts as best she can. She can't put her barriers back up as easily as he can; it's a little impressive. But she'll try to do the same.]
If I ever see one, I'll have to decide then.
no subject
gu yun laughs, though it's softer and less shitty than usual - he was more affected by that than he let on, really, or maybe it just might be that he's grown quite fond of harrow. please do not learn your coping mechanisms from him i'm begging you. ]
How cruel! [ clearly not even remotely offended. ] You know, when you see one from me, then I fully expect to see a lighter one for you. Equivalency, and all of that.
no subject
[His coping mechanisms may not be great, but they're probably better than [redacted]?]
no subject
Then, I suppose the reverse wold be true for me, then! [ fufufu. guess he'll be light hearted forever. ] There's got to be something that'll make you crack. Are you ticklish?
no subject
no subject
Enjoy good jokes? Cute animals?